It’s been a long time since I put pen to paper or fingers to the keyboard and shared my journey with mr lupus. To be perfectly honest with you this is probably because I have felt as though I was no longer on a journey and had in fact arrived at a huge full stop.
How else can I describe my decision to quit?
Okay it was never a conscious decision but as I put my fingers to the keyboard and pen to paper once more, I realise that’s exactly what I have done.
Life has changed beyond all recognition and comprehension and the voice inside me just keeps screaming for it all to stop and as the world continues to move even though it has received the command from me to stop, I desperately needed to find a way to gain control and all I could do was to stop myself. So I did.
- I stopped laughing
- I stopped seeing myself beyond my sickness
- I stopped caring about myself and life
- I stopped opening mail
- I stopped opening the curtains
- I stopped leaving the house (unless forced to)
- I stopped trying
For all intense and purposes I had stopped living and ‘now that I have come to the end of the road’ was the only melody swimming around in my head. Going through the motions on a day-to-day basis was simply because I didn’t have what it took to stop permanently.
That was one way of looking at things but the mere fact that I still here strongly suggests that I am not a quitter, however much the landscape seems to suggest otherwise.
So whilst stopping was easy (what else can you do when even a slight movement results in your legs crying out for mercy and your joints joining in the chorus) I am constantly reminded, by the persistent voice in my head, that who I really am is so much more than who I was currently choosing to be.
Interesting use of words, surely I was not choosing this position?
Was I really choosing to be depressed, in pain and to collect frequent hospital miles? The absurdity of it all got me thinking, not always a great thing to do when you have lots of time on your hands, but I thought I would give it a go anyway.
On the off chance that somehow the voice in my head is right what could I do about it? I am still thinking about that but one thing I do know for sure is that there has to be a bigger plan and purpose for me being here otherwise this really is God’s cruel joke.
So from today I am going to press the play button, it’s time things got moving again!